We don’t know what type of abuse Madonna suffered from her father; the video implies violence, alcohol and maybe sexual abuse. It also implies that the Church, in the person of the family priest, didn’t do anything to help; yet we see glimpses of the confessional and of the priest leaving at the end when there seems to be a fight going on.

In the Mind of a Victim

The song is very disturbing as so much of it is written from the point of view of a victim. The singer believes she has sinned – maybe her father, like so many abusers, blamed the victim for the abuse. We see that she is glad she managed to get away but for a long time she didn’t think this would be possible. The song is also good in that it shows signs of hope, Madonna has moved on from un-channelled anger and the feelings of being a victim to wonder why her father acted like he did “Maybe someday / When I look back Ill be able to say/ You didn’t mean to be cruel/ Somebody hurt you too.” She also recognises that her father didn’t want to live in that way. It maybe that she is trying to rationalise his behaviour and not recognise that as the adult he was capable of making different choices, it maybe that she has come to understand some of what was going on for him.

These are all very typical thoughts and feelings for people who have undergone any type of profound hurt or abuse. We go through stages of blaming ourselves, dealing with rage and anger, even hatred, but often can get to a place where we want to try and understand what was going on. Sometimes people can get stuck at one of these stages and find it impossible to move beyond a certain emotional response.

Of course for Madonna, and for many Christians, there are additional factors introduced by Christianity into the process. As Christians we are told to forgive, as Christians many of us have been brought up to see God as the Father – and if our own father has treated us badly it can be difficult to see God as the idealised father. Forgiveness for those who have been so badly wounded can be both a curse and a blessing.

Forgiveness: A Curse and a Blessing

As Christians we know that forgiveness is a large part of our faith. We have been forgiven and we know that Jesus commands us to forgive those who have hurt us. Every time we pray the Lord’s Prayer we ask God to forgive us as we have forgiven others. The mother of Lesley Ann Down – one of the victims of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady – was a devout Catholic who attended daily mass and prayed her rosary regularly. However, she had real problems praying the Lord’s prayer – central to both the Mass and the Rosary - as she could not say the words “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and who can blame her?

Yet at the same time we know that forgiveness is necessary for our own souls, our own ability to move on and grow. Yet it is difficult to forgive when such pain has been inflicted – and when a perpetrator doesn’t repent.

One of the things that confuses and troubles people is that they are often asked to forgive before they are ready to. In MCC East London I remember a parishioner who had suffered horrific sexual abuse when she was a child and had been told by an evangelical church that the reason why now, as an adult, she was mixed up was that she had not found the grace to forgive her father. It was a shameful thing to say.

Janet needed to be told that forgiveness can mean different things in different contexts. To forgive does not mean to forget. It does not mean to abandon any desire for justice. It does not mean acting as if nothing had happened. To do any of these things will harm us further and stop us healing, as these actions try to hold the poison within us and still get better; it just can’t happen.

However, forgiveness can mean that we no longer let the person who abused us have power over us any more. It can mean we don’t live our lives in reference to what happened before. It can mean we find wholeness and peace. It can mean we let go of the anger that eats us up. All that is part of what it means to forgive; especially if the person has not asked us for forgiveness. All these things must happen if we are to find peace and healing.

There are profound consequences for our mental health if we carry on carrying around profound anger within us. It maybe that when dreadful things were happening to us we found various ways to cope with what was happening; one of the difficult things for survivors of abuse to do is to learn new coping strategies and not rely on the emergency ones that saw them through the hard times.

When we burn with anger with someone who has profoundly hurt us we carry on living our lives and acting with reference to the one who caused us the pain in the first place. We are still letting that person have power over us. It’s a way of extending the abuse already perpetrated. However, if we understand forgiveness as a way of letting go of the anger we find that it means we stop the abuser having power over us. We find ways of moving on – not denying that anything happened, certainly not forgetting or letting go of any desire for justice, but we find we start to live our own lives again without reference to the one who hurt us. The freedom of forgiveness is that it moves us on, not wipes out what has gone before.

Conclusion

Forgiveness can be the hardest thing we are ever asked to do; it can be made harder by not fully understanding what is asked. We are not supposed to forget what has gone before, to give up any hope of justice, or act as if nothing has happened. Forgiveness is about moving on, letting go of the anger and pain, stopping the person who has hurt us have power over us anymore and not living our lives with reference to them anymore. It maybe that this process of healing allows us, as it seems to have allowed Madonna, to look on the painful events and seem them in a slightly different light. We are called to forgive – not to extend or deepen our pain but to set us free from it. Amen.

(Rev Andy Braunston)