I don't know about you, but I find it hard to change habits. I know what is good for me - I know that it would be great if I learnt to swim and tried to get fit, but the thought of all that exercise makes me want to lie down in a dark room until the mood passes. Last week we talked about the habits and skills we need to sustain our life mission. But there’s one problem with that. It’s difficult to develop good habits. It’s hard. It’s easy to develop bad ones but it’s difficult to develop good habits. So we need support. It’s always easier to learn something new when we learn it with somebody helping us – a partner, a friend, a coach, somebody encouraging you. Today I want to focus on how to get help in developing good habits. To do this we need four key sets of relationships that we must develop if we’re going to become all that God wants us to be. We need models, we need mentors, we need partners and we need friends. If you don’t hear any thing else I say this afternoon, hear this because this is a kind of sermon in a sentence: The quality of our lives will be determined by the relationships that we choose to develop. So we had better choose them wisely. We need models, mentors, partners and friends.
1. I NEED MODELS THAT INSPIRE ME.
Of course Jesus is the ultimate model for our lives. But He was perfect and we’re not. And we all need human models that we can see how they’re struggling. St. Paul understood this and in Philippians he says, “Pattern your lives after mine,” Have you ever used a pattern in sewing or woodworking? If you’ve ever done any sewing you probably have. When you use a pattern it’s faster, it’s easier and you make fewer mistakes. We always learn quicker and we always learn better by models. It is human nature to learn by imitation.
As a baby growing up, everything you learned you learned by imitation. Everything you learned as a baby, you learned by modelling. You watched your mother or father or brother or sister or somebody model something. They did it and then you did it. That’s how you learned to talk. You learned everything in your early years by modelling.
There’s only one problem with that. As a child you didn’t get to choose your models. You had no choice. You tended to imitate whoever was in closest proximity to you. And whoever was closest that became your model. That’s ok if you had good models as a kid. And if you had good models, you probably grew up with healthy self-esteem, feeling good about yourself; you grew up with some strong values. But maybe you grew up with workaholic parents. And did you grow up to be a workaholic? Or maybe you grew up with anger being expressed in your home in inappropriate ways and you grew up learning to blow up. Or maybe you grew up with negativity and so you tend to be a negative person. While some people grew up with successful models in their lives, many others – probably a majority of others – grow up with scars. We didn’t have perfect models. And we also picked up imperfections.
The good news is this: we can change our model. Now that we’re adults we can choose what we’re going to model our lives after. But you’ve got to take the time to identify who they are. The problem today is in our society we don’t know the difference between celebrities and heroes. You can become a celebrity by doing something wicked, mean, bad and nasty. And they make you an instant celebrity. But that doesn’t mean you’re a good model. A hero is not just somebody who’s famous. A hero is somebody worth emulating and imitating. So we need to find some models for your life now.
You need role models regardless of our age. All through life we’re going to need someone to inspire us. That’s one of the benefits of role models. They show us that it can be done. They blow away all the excuses. They tear down barriers. For years it was said that no human being could ever run faster than a four-minute mile. They said humanly speaking the body is not made to run that fast. Nobody will ever do it. Until one day Roger Bannister ran a mile in under four minutes. All of a sudden the barrier was broken. Then within one year twelve other people had already broken that same barrier. It’s no big deal today. Why? Because a role model showed that it could be done.
If I were to ask , "Who are your role-models?" I wonder who we would say. The quickest way to achieve your goals in life, the quickest way to achieve your life mission is to find somebody who’s already where you want to be and copy them. I’m not saying copy their personality but do what they did. Figure out someone. “That’s where I want to be spiritually… relationally…” or any other area. You find a role model and say, “That’s what I’d like to be in my life.” And you begin to imitate that model.
Paul did it. He role modelled for other people. He said, “Now you become a model for others.” This is a Biblical concept.
You may say, “I don't have anybody that I respect that much.” Maybe your standard is too high. They don’t have to be perfect for that person to be a role model. There are no perfect role models except for Jesus Christ. You just take the good part and model the good part and don’t model the bad.
I try to learn from everybody. I learn from other pastors. I learn from business people. I learn from critics. I learn from enemies. I try to learn from everybody. Everybody’s ignorant, just on different subjects. You know some things that I don’t know. I know some things you don’t know. If I had enough time to set down with you and had the right questions, I could draw out of you things that I need to learn. Every time I see any Christian who’s doing a good job in some area, I say "that's wonderful, keep on doing it, how show me how to do it!" I’m not proud. The Bible says that God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. Why? Because the humble are teachable.
Finding a role model is the first key. But we need more than role models.
2. I NEED MENTORS THAT ADVISE ME IN MY LIFE MISSION.
What is a mentor? A mentor is a personal coach. A mentor is a trusted counsellor. A mentor is a trainer. We all need personal coaches and trainers. Historically, in Christianity, these were called spiritual directors. If you were to study throughout church history you’d find that for centuries people would have what they called spiritual directors. They would say, “Would you be my personal coach in my Christian life? Would you help me to get training to grow as a believer, to grow spiritually?”
What does a mentor do? A mentor brings out the best in you. They keep you growing. They help you in three areas. They keep you with your roles, they help you goals, and they help you with your soul. It’s interesting that in some professions we’ve always had mentors. In medicine, doctors mentor younger doctors. In music, musicians mentor other musicians. I got on the Internet this week and typed in the word “mentor” and found out that all kinds of organizations are now using the mentoring process. The army is now doing mentoring. Insurance sales staff now have programmes for mentoring. Management people, sales people, all kinds of different organizations are doing it.
Why do we need mentors? Because they give us perspective. They help us see from the outside. We don’t always see it all. We see from our limited focus, our perspective, our background. We need somebody else to say, “Have you thought about…? What about this…? or What about that…”
There’s two ways that you can get the most out of a mentor.
1. Ask questions.
Part of the quality of your life is also determined by the kind of questions you ask. You ought to learn to ask questions. Everybody has this reservoir of knowledge and skills and experience that they can share and a wise person will learn to draw it out. If I had time I could set down with each of you and draw out of things that I could learn that would help me in my life. You could personally teach me some things. Because you’ve had experiences I haven’t had. And vice versa.
I have standard questions. Every time I get around another pastor I think, “I could learn something from this person,” I want to ask questions like, “How do you handle stress? What have been the greatest successes in your life and what are the causes of it? What were the greatest failures in your life? What would you do differently if you were doing over? What kind of books do you read? How do you manage your time? What have been the greatest lessons you’ve learned? What have been the greatest surprises in your life?” There are certain questions you can ask any person that will draw out information.
1. You accept feedback.
One of the things I valued most in my time as a pastor has been the feedback that I get from other pastors whom I trust, from Cecilia and from one of our denominational elders, a man called Don Eastman. A mentor can give a different perspective, can see what we are doing well, and can suggest different approaches, different ideas and can give powerful feedback. The Book of Ecclesiastes says, “It’s better to be criticized by a wise man than praised by a fool.” Feedback is absolutely essential to your life mission. If you don’t get feedback you’re going to get off course.
So if you’re not open to feedback, you’re not going to learn, you’re not going to grow, you’re not going to develop. You need to learn to accept criticism.
How do we find a mentor? Three things. If we were to look for a personal mentor in our lives, a personal spiritual coach, what do we look for? Three things:
1. Someone who has the character and values that I admire, that I want to have in my life.
2. Someone with the skills and experience that I want. Maybe in your career. Who’s where I want to be?
2. Somebody I trust. If I don’t trust them, I'm not going to learn anything from them. They may have a lot
of knowledge but you may not click with them personality-wise and not be able to trust them.
Not only do you need models and mentors to fulfil your life mission. You also need partners.
3. I NEED PARTNERS THAT ASSIST ME.
I’m talking about co-workers, team-mates, helpers, a network of people that are committed to a similar life mission.
What we been talking about for the last seven or eight weeks is not easy. Living a purpose-driven life is not easy. That’s why most people are not doing it. If it were easy everybody would be doing what we’ve been talking about. It’s not easy to sit down and clarify your values, what’s important. It’s not easy to sit down and analyse your strength and your shape and say, “What am I really good at?” It’s not easy to look at the four purposes God has for every human being and say, “I’m going to build my life around these things and write out a purpose statement.” It’s not easy to think through some goals based on my purpose, values and shape” And it’s even more difficult to organize your time and schedule around those values and goals and those purposes. It’s difficult. That’s why these homework assignments keep getting put off. It’s tough.
If we are really serious about living a purpose-driven life we must find people of like-minded nature who are committed to fulfilling their life mission and hook up with them. We need the right partners. When you’re climbing a mountain you better choose your partners carefully. Because you’re tied to them. If they go, guess what? You’re going to! You’re hooked in to them. You better tie yourself into some partners who will support you in developing the habits and skills and relationships that you need to really make your life count. You can’t soar with the eagles if you’re going to run with the turkeys. You’ve got to have people who build you up and not tear you down. People who will support your life mission and not tear your life mission apart. You have to have those kinds of partners.
Models, mentors, partners. People who are going in the same way you are. The truth is God has designed an organization to give you the partners you need. It’s called the church. The church was designed to help you fulfil your life mission. That’s why you cannot become all that God wants you to be without tying into a local church and saying, “That’s going to be my family. That’s going to be my fellowship. That’s going to be my team. I’m going to enlist in that particular platoon of God’s army. I’m going to go with them.” You can’t make it on your own. You need partners and the best place to find them is at church.
4. I NEED FRIENDS THAT SUPPORT ME.
One good friend is worth a thousand acquaintances. You didn’t get to choose your relatives, you’re stuck with them. But you do get to choose your friends. You need to choose your friends wisely. How do you choose good friends? You look for friends that will give you three things. The best friend will give you three things that you need.
1. They give you emotional support.
If ever you get in trouble and a friend says to you on the phone, “I’m not going to take sides in this,” they’re not a friend. Believe me, friends take sides. Even when you’re wrong, friends take sides. They’re there in the time of trouble. A friend walks in when everybody else walks out. That’s what a friend is. And when other people are seeing through you, a friend sees you through. You need emotional support from friends.
2. A good friend, a true friend will give you intellectual support.
They make you think. They stimulate you. They don’t dumb down you. They get you to go and to be creative. Do your friends make you think? They see it in you and they make you do what you can do. They bring out the best in you. How do you bring out the BEST in people? B-Believe in them, E-Encourage them, S-Support them, T-Trust them.
3. You need friends that give you spiritual support.
They build up your spirit, they don’t tear it down. They draw you closer to Jesus, not further away. Hebrews 10:24 says “Let us spur on one another to love and good deeds.” You need someone who’ll pray with you and pray for you. You say, “That’s great. I’d love to have a friend like that. How do I get a friend like that?” Be one. I attract what I am. The Bible says, “Those who journey with the wise, grow wise.” Do you want to have wise friends, start growing yourself. If you want growing friends, you start growing. If you want spiritual friends, you start being spiritual. You will attract what you are.
I know this is going to be difficult for some of you but I need to say it, if you’re serious about living a purpose-driven Life, there maybe some relationships in your life right now you need to change or end. Sometimes we need to just cut off some friendships. Why? Because the Bible warns about being closely linked, teamed up in a very close friendship, with people who have conflicting values. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have any non-Christian friends. How are you going to tell them the good news of God’s love if you don’t befriend them. But your friends, your closest friends, your confidants, the people you tell your hurts to and the people you spend the most time with better be headed in the same direction you are or they’re pulling you down. Those who are closest to us should share our values and understand the commitments we make.
We need to ask ourselves some tough questions about our friends. Are they helping my life mission or are they hindering it? Are they building my values or are they tearing down my values? Do they cause me to grow closer to God or do they cause me to grow away from God? Any friend that draws you away from God is no friend. They’re not doing you any service. Your life is too important to waste. There’s one relationship that has to take priority above every other one. That’s your relationship to God.
Today I want to encourage us to take two very important steps.
1. Commit myself to deepening my relationship to God.
2. Commit myself to deepening my relationship with God’s family of believers in the church.
First, commit myself to a relationship to God. If you’ve never done that, do it today. Say, “God, I want to get to know You. I know about You but I don’t really know You. Jesus Christ, I want to establish a relationship. I want You to be my saviour, my manager and help me and I want to get to know You and I want to be Your friend and I want You to be my friend.” Say that to Him today.
Once you’ve done that then make the commitment to developing relationships with other Christians. That’s what we’re here for. If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time you need to be asking yourself two very important questions: Who is my mentor? And Who am I mentoring? You need both. Who’s helping me? And Who am I helping? Who’s helping me? Who’s my mentor? And, Who am I mentoring? You say, I don’t know a whole lot. All you have to do is be one step ahead. Every one of us could be helping another Christian.
Prayer:
Lord,
I pray that You would help us find relationships that make a difference,
to not waste our lives in relationships that drag us down.
There are some here today who are not in healthy relationships and friendships,
People who are being dragged down by their friends.
Give us the strength, Jesus, to establish good relationships, healthy ones,
with You and with those who are going in the same direction in life.
Amen.
This sermon was first preached in the Metropolitan Community Church of Manchester. Click here for further information.